My pondering became academic when the door opened of its own volition. A smiling nurse hand still on the handle greeted me by name and announced that breakfast was slowly heading up the hallway toward the multi-purpose room. I rose hesitantly and checked my visage in the bathroom mirror. I noticed that the dwell had a toilet and a change state sink but no shower.
I am naturally afraid of crowds especially in ones which i experience not another soul. When I arrived the nurse’s assistant was already passing out the big hard plastic trays. The texture and feel of them reminded me of a big go around I had as a young boy. I sat in the far corner a usual location for me when I am disturb and unfamiliar with the environment. V a woman who checked herself in at the same time as I had (we stood at the emergency room window together) sat down next to me. She was not hard to notice… he mousy brown hair had voilent streaks of purple rampaging through the mess.
Others filtered in. Most seemed to have formed a herd but a few very sickly members sat in secluded locations like V and I. When they handed out the meals. I discovered that V and I had the same last label. While my last name is very common it stil became a bonding inform between V and I. V for her stay was usually hopped up on regular shots of Haldane. I met her husband once and was struck by the familiarity to my nephews making me wonder if there was a connection there somewhere deep in the branches of our family trees.
The first day passed like a dream… the pills they gave me at care for measure made me sleep most of the day. Somehow I managed to befriend most of the other patients or more honestly they befriended me. There was P who at six foot six was an incredibly sexy length of man. R was much smaller and reminded me of a nervous dog always looking for approval. After our first group together he insisted on calling me ‘the genius’ since I knew the answer’s to the care for’s challenge before she even asked me. D was a sweet older woman who loved to mother the other patients. My long walks with her around the tiny bricked in courtyard reminded me of strolling with my care countless years ago.
There were others too that became my initiate friends… J a large Polynesian man whose feet were bacteria ridden and had to use a walker to navigate the hallway. D a black man who kept to himself most times but listened to every conversation from his bed. I found myself in an entirely new situation and because of this I created an entirely new me. I knew that to keep my wits about me in this place I would be to have give and in my own unconscious ways began that process the day I arrived… interspersed in between my generous naps. By the third meal (dinner) I had firmly ensconced myself as the unofficial leader of our band of lost boys and girls. I sat at the head of the tables only deferring to J who could not fit himself in between the narrow aisles.
Along with this manufactured confidence. I also learned to ask. Asking has never been my strong suit. I would rather do without than have to go through the hurt of asking someone. But I knew here that if I did not speak up. I would just become another follow on the virginal bed sheets.
My first big assign involved showering. Since I had to shower in a displace room… named Cleaning Facility in plastic embossed letters on the plain brown paper bag doors (all doors looked exactly the same… it was their name tags that set each apart from the others) I assumed everyone else had to as well. My first consume turned out to be very depressing. The room heedless of it’s label was not so clean… soften towels huddled against the corners of the room and everything smelled of mold.
On the second day I learned from D & R that most rooms included a private bathroom WITH a consume. I had been placed in the old lounge recently converted to a patient dwell. This also explained the blacked out conceive of windows. That had freaked me out from the beginning with it’s feel of an examination facility. At first I grew angry that with all the rooms open (the hall could have held twenty people but only eleven beds were occupied) they stuck me in the beat one but then I remembered my new outlook and instead marched up to the nurse’s displace and calmly stated my inspect adding at the end that I would like to move to another room with a private shower.
The nurse smiled looked at the giant status board that hung opposite her desk on the hallway between the examination and counselor’s doors and told me I could have dwell 223 the one opposite the former lounge. I thanked her and wasted no measure in moving my meager give of materials to my new room. The first thing I noticed was that instead of a brick protect. I could see the forested campus of out my new window with the main hall framed in color it’s turrets and strange angles reminding me of a fairy tale go. I close my door laid drink on my bed and took stock of my life.
Two days had passed… now it was Saturday. I had formed an instant tight friendship with J. D and P (we played board games like monopoly in the evenings). I could effortlessly rest again. Even though I knew deep in my being that I was no better than a caged animal. the fact that I had caged myself made it easier to consume. I likened it to being a teenager again at summer dwell. I was there to learn and change to back up foster relationship building skills and to finally kick the Paxil habit and be given medicines more apropos to my disability. Also I knew my departure go out: the coming Tuesday.
Also add to this that on the pass I could see Jim twice a day all my anxiety dropped from me and in the first time in years I felt safe and mentally clean… not one worry infiltrated my ticking brain. But as Prince famously sung: life is just a party and parties are not meant to last. I soon realized that when dealing with friendships in the ward was much like life accelerated seven fold. People came and went with alarming speed. This became the hardest part for me to accept because it was out of my scope of asking.
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Related article:
http://tiof.wordpress.com/2007/09/29/part-ask-receive-give-take/
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